Dear Emperor Palpatine,
You are an inspiration. Many have attempted to break our spirits as gamers. Our parents. Our politicians. Our media hacks. Our partners of varied gender. No one could have predicted, not even those with a complete translation of the Mayan prophecies cross-referenced with Nostradamus’ work, that the sniper bullet would come from behind us. Amongst our own.
There have been a few games I’ve been trying to finish for some time now. Cryostasis, Company of Heroes, Serious Sam 2, Tidalis and Saints Row 2. Plus I like to indulge in FUEL now and again – even though I have more hope of convincing my non-gamer work colleagues that playing Ultima IV is a meaningful endeavour than getting to the end of this racing epic.
But due to sale after sale after sale, I have an elephantine list of unplayed, downloaded games. They sit on my hard drive, mewling kittens that demand attention and ought to be chucked in a bag and drowned in the nearest lake (although I actually love kittens, okay). Steam tempts with X-COM: UFO Defense, The Chronicles of Riddick, Morrowind, Oblivion, Indigo Prophecy, Red Faction: Guerilla, RoboBlitz, The Void, Zeno Clash, and AI War. And outside of Steam’s grip of game influence, I also have Amnesia, Batman Arkham Asylum, GTA IV, Hitman: Blood Money, Just Cause 2, Kings Bounty: The Legend, Mafia, Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, Men of War, Psychonauts, Rogue Trooper, The Path, the point-n-click adventures from Zombie Cow, Machinarium.
Sorry, did I forget to touch on all that free indie shit that I was planning to have fun with? How many months I have promised myself to run through Cactus Arcade? I still have that free copy of Kudos that Cliffski gave out a year ago. And that copy of Command & Conquer 4 I won from Rock Paper Shotgun for being insane e-mailer of the month. (Bloody hell, what’s this? A copy of C & C 3 I haven’t played too?)
Hell while I’m at it, might as well get all completionist about this. There’s an achievement in this somewhere, I’m sure. And if I achieve it, I expect you’ll send me a free game for my troubles to add to my troubles. I should also include those hallowed games I dabbled with and would like to have another crack at. World In Conflict. Homeworld. Outcast. Sins of a Solar Empire. Uplink.
So thank you bloody much for convincing the digital gaming whoreshops into churning out so many sales as to create a cyber-singularity in DNS space. You’ve made us feel worthless not just as people, but as gamers. We can’t possibly complete all of these games before the day we’re mulched into Soylent Green. And those we do manage to complete, we won’t have spent enough time on and won’t respect – they’ll be one night stands with no holding hands on a weekend trip to the funfair.
So I have made a promise to myself, O Sith Lord, a New Year’s Resolution. Read my lips. No. More. Sales. I’m shutting down the RSS feed for Savygamer. I’m deleting the weekly link to the Rock Paper Shotgun Bargain Bucket. I am not entering a perverse, diabolical sado-masochistic competition over at Tap-Repeatedly.
Next year, I do solemnly swear to play the games I bought this year.
Harbour Master (Dr.)
P.S. Thanks for the discount on Space Giraffe on Steam last week.